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SURVIVING THE EXPLOSIVE SPIRAL OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Posted on Sep 6th, 2022 by mrnice 37 Views

The Ancient Greeks told the story of Daedalus, the craftsman and engineer of his day, who fashioned bird-like wings for himself and his son Icarus.  The wings were necessary for escaping Crete, where the pair were imprisoned.  Despite warning to not go too high as that would offend the Gods of the air, Icarus flew too close to the sun.  The heat melted the wax framework of his wings and the feathers began to detach. Icarus tumbled and spun his way down as the wings disintegrated while his heart-broken Daedalus could only watch as Icarus fell to earth.  He splashed into the ocean and drowned, leaving his father to bury him on the closest island to where he fell.

Doesn’t everyone ignore warnings sometimes? Warnings designed and printed on legally sold tobacco products, vape, cannabis, and alcohol product packaging and if you use correctly prescribed medications there is a caution against driving or using heavy machinery or consumption of alcohol.  The cure for the disease of the week often suggests you check if you have allergies to the content. These warnings are the legal-ese requirements for products that you ingest that are available at large or as prescribed.  The saturation of warnings in our lives make us almost immune to taking the corrective measures or doing the right thing. 

Please drink responsibly.  That’s the tag line for all alcohol beverage producers.  Can people drink one cocktail and drive home?  Probably.  Can a person drink two and drive home without rousing suspicion?  Probably.  At this point “responsibly” becomes a numbers game, are you going to be one of the NN traffic accidents that occur within your neighborhood (fill in the number).  They say the majority of fender benders and accidents occur close to home.  Regardless, the smallest infraction can make you the suspect for a BAC (Blood Alcohol Content) test.  Over 0.08 percent BAC is not responsible, a lower percent is responsible.  The tag line and the warnings are not a deterrent because in most cases people have done this before and were blessed with the luck to get away with it.

Warnings like Don’t fly that high! still come from the mouths of parental figures OR teachers OR concerned partners (spouses, domestic-partners, relatives, friends).  While most people listen and retain, some are just determined to fail on their own.  For the persons receiving the advice to slow down, to find a new interest, or to stop mis-behaving, there are those who resist spitefully (determined to live and die their way) and there are those who take that hostility and kick and claw at everything attempting to advise them, judge them, or even help them.  Those people, who externalize their pain by attempting to control, manipulate, and dominate those few things that they can, enter and often drag their closest life-ally into a spiral that will ultimately become explosive.  That person who beats you with words or physically with cruel slaps or shakes and diminishes your worth is not caring for your interests.   Depending on the remaining conditions of that individual’s crisis, the anger and abuse may be the start of what will become uncontrollable without intervention.  

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and while they may not have the resources to answer immediately, you can initiate a text chat for finding a contact point for a safe discussion.  It’s important to establish a history of trying to reach out in the event that the abusive partner is arrested or in the event you seek a restraining order/personal protection or removal order.  There are approximately 168 places in just the state of California that can offer advice or more specific guidance.  

Abusers aren’t defined by gender or income or household role and they may not be abusive equally to all parties in the household.  You know if you are a selected target (a victim), but there may be a victim who cannot articulate in the manner that a conscious adult person can.  The truth emerges through observation, and you have to be willing to look and understand that you are not necessarily the first to have seen abusive patterns but BE THE FIRST TO REPORT.  It’s easy to link substance abuse or mental conditions to abusive behavior, but if it’s happening often enough to accept it as normal, there’s more than one problem affecting both parties involved.

An abuser was often the subject of abuse at another time in their life.

  • That does not mean that all people who have been abused will become abusers.
  • That does not justify the perpetuation of abusive behavior.

An abuser is often in a co-dependent relationship with substances (legal and/or illegal).

  • Part of the cause must be acknowledged by the abuser before it can be fixed.
  • Truth delivered by a legal charge or conviction is sometimes not enough to stop the spiteful energy.
  • AA, and successful completion of other 12-step programs are essential for ending codependency.
  • Only the person accepting of their co-dependence and impact will succeed in disavowing it and the abusive behavior.

An abuser is attempting to control what they can to maintain order in their life and enjoys that power position.

  • Choice and decision making are restricted upon others.
  • Credit cards, ATM cards are taken away.
  • Cash is given as an “allowance” and strictly regulated.
  • Enjoyment may not be the case, they derive more pressure (sense of significance) from control.

An abuser credits themselves as being helpful while they provide for others (ungrateful).

  • Shopping lists of what they decide is essential will be fulfilled if possible.
  • No complaining is tolerated about support tasks.

An abuser restricts or controls public interaction (sometimes manifests as jealousy).

  • Activities are screened and permission is given or denied.
  • You know very few of their contacts.
  • No people who contradict or influence opinion (threaten their control) are allowed access to their subjects.

An abuser threatens harm or abandonment for non-cooperation.

  • If you don’t like the situation, GET OUT.
  • If you don’t like the rules, GET OUT.
  • If you don’t do what I say, GET OUT.

An abuser does not accept responsibility for any crisis and finds a way to blame others.

  • You made me so mad I turned too fast and rolled the car.”
  • If I wasn’t yelling at you on the phone I would not have been pulled over.

These are real quotes by real abusers after an incident. 

An abuser acts out anger with increasing frequency, through episodes of violence, threats, insults, or demands.

  • Do whatever you can to extricate yourself and stay away.
  • Once you do get away, get an order of restraint and don’t go back.

A personal protection order can make the abuser react with greater severity. 

  • Stay away.
  • Don’t go back.

The hardest place to be when you are the victim is that point where taking action is the only alternative to saving your sanity and permitting survival.  It is not right that anyone physically or mentally abuse or mistreat you.  You have probably been isolated from your friends, lost your own sense of worth, and perhaps even been prevented from working.  You should realize how empowering life without abuse can be.  Life makes no promises that it will be easy, but it certainly can be easier without abuse.

If you’re reading you might very well be the neighbor or casual friend of someone who is unaware of what resources are available.  If you are the person who hears the commotion, the crying, the temper, and all the elements of a beating, do the right thing and call the police for intervention or request a welfare check on someone who you suspect is captive in an abusive relationship.  That person may deny the problem or not press charges, but now the abused person knows that someone outside their situation has cared enough to call.  That official visit gives the victim knowledge that there are avenues for help.         

Free Warrant checks are available through Mr. Nice Guy Bail Bonds

You will need a first name and last name to use their website’s search.  Warrants can exist for any court ordered fines or citations that have not been processed.  The warrants can include child support complaints OR non-payment of traffic fines OR failure to appear court dates.

Without any direct accusation, you might be able to get an abuser arrested and that would probably give you up to 24 hours to complete your plan of Escape.

The first step for an abuse victim is to find your community’s Public Library.  That is usually an easy place to take refuge, make sure you get a library card, and sign up to use computers and printers so no questionable research or information appears on your phone or shared resources at home.  Public Libraries are easy to explain or justify if you have children or if you are taking any type of class.  All libraries have art or book exhibits, help with reference materials, and carry the latest Magazines, computer cartridge games, or DVDs that are popular – a trip to the library does not arouse suspicion.  Get a Library card, use the technology resources and focus on planning to exit the relationship quickly with all the most important items for your future security.

 Setting up for a Quick Exit

  1. Create a “free” email for yourself that differs from others you use.
  2. Identify all the documents you need for yourself and your children: birth certificate, social security number, Driver’s License, Immigration papers, Citizenship papers, etc. Record the numbers.  If married and you don’t have access to the license, record the date and location or State where it took place.
  3. Send that in an email to the email address you just created.
  4. Fill out the form for local abuse support in your area on thehotline.org and direct response contact to the new email.
  5. At home, prepare bag(s) that provide one change of clothes and underwear, one sweater and one extra pair of socks for each person you will take with you when you go.
  6. Hide this bag appropriately so that you can leave quickly without any need to return.

You should be able to reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) and get information about all assistance for victims in your geographic area.   You may need to consider your kids, their schools, your pets, and exactly what you must have to exit the relationship quickly, refer to Setting Up for a Quick Exit (above).

You need to develop and commit to a plan for exit.   The victim may file the charges or an arrest might occur “naturally.”   The victim must not withdraw charges because you feel sorry for them or feel you can’t live without them.  You can in fact live with a lot less pain and remind yourself that the abuser didn’t have any care about your pain for the repeated times you were their victim.  Get closer to your family or true friends (a change of environment) and don’t give up your location or contact your abuser without an attorney present (in the event of a divorce or legal separation).  If the party is incarcerated then use that time as wisely as possible.  behavior modification programs (as part of a sentence) are not always successful on the first try.  Keep your distance and only consent to supervised visitation or contact (all your restraining orders or protection should be renewed as necessary.)  Who knows, in five to ten years you might very well be able to have a normal relationship with that person, but it can’t happen without their change and your change to no longer fear them. 

If you are going to divorce, make sure your attorney includes your name change as part of the legal final filing.  You might also include changes to the names of minor children for whom you have legal custody granted.  For safety, all electronic paths to help or information records should be cleared from phones or emails and computer browser history (publicly shared computers usually purge their history with the end of a session).

Try life without abuse for more than a year, and find laughter again in the little humors printed on T-shirts like “Instant A__-hole, Just Add Alcohol.”  Adopt a symbol of your survival and get that done as a tattoo ink-over of any reminders of the ordeal.  If you do in fact enlist the aid of those services that helped you, remember them with every painless breath you take.  You will be the stronger and the more complete YOU that was originally intended.

Mr. Nice Guy Bail Bonds may seem like the best choice for getting your partner out of jail, with their extremely inexpensive terms and round-the-clock service, but if you have read this and are asking “why should I?” that means you have doubts or previous experience with post-lockup abuse.  Discuss low payment or no-pay options (844)-400-2245 and of course discuss second thoughts about the decision, they can give you a timeline of how long the incarceration will last according to present charges.  That’s why they are Mr. Nice Guy Bail Bonds.

 

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